Confidence Isn't What You Think It Is

Confidence Isn't What You Think It Is

In my real life, outside of social media, I do a lot of mentoring work in the corporate space. Networking, and internal networking, comes into it, but those conversations end up covering a lot more than that.

A huge amount of the time, people want to talk to me about confidence. Specifically, they tell me they don't have enough of it. So I ask them what that actually means. What does a lack of confidence look like for them, day to day, and why do they think they don't have enough of it?

The pattern I keep seeing

Almost without exception, what people describe to me isn't really a lack of confidence at all. It's a comparison. They feel they aren't confident because they're not as good as someone else at a particular thing, or because somebody, at some point, told them they should be good at something they're simply not.

Very often the conversation circles around the skills we tend to associate with confidence. Public speaking. Being the one who puts their hand up in meetings. Having plenty to say. Being the life and soul of the party. Those are the visible skills, the ones that get noticed, and they're the ones most people measure themselves against.

But when I ask the person I'm talking to what they're actually good at, it always turns out they have a long list of real skills. Often skills I don't have myself, and skills plenty of their colleagues don't have either. A lot of the time, the people telling me they lack confidence are genuinely excellent at detail, at research, at the quieter, back-room work that keeps a business running. That's exactly the kind of skill I admire most in people, precisely because it isn't something I'm naturally good at.

Why this matters for businesses and teams

Organisations need people with different and complementary skills. Just because someone else is naturally good at something you're not doesn't mean you should feel like you're lacking in confidence. It means you're different, and that difference is valuable.

I think leaders need to get better at recognising and championing the people who support the talkers, the salespeople, and the managers, rather than quietly treating those supporting skills as somehow less important. My business simply wouldn't function without the people around me who are strong in the areas I'm not. I happen to be the front man, the mouthpiece, the one who's comfortable on a stage. That doesn't make my contribution more valuable than anyone else's. It just makes it more visible.

What I'd say if you're struggling with this

You can always learn new skills if you want to. Your attitude towards learning matters more than your current ability. But please, and this comes from someone who spent most of his life comparing himself to others and rarely came out ahead in his own head, don't put more value on the skills other people have than you place on your own. Whether those are skills you were born with, or ones you've worked hard to build over years.

That isn't a lack of confidence. That's just the simple fact that we are all different, and a good team, a good business, and a good room full of people at a networking event needs every single one of those differences.

The bit I think gets missed

So much of what passes for "confidence training" focuses on making quieter people louder. Teaching the detail person to pitch like the salesperson. Teaching the researcher to work a room like the networker.

There's a place for stretching yourself, absolutely. But there's a bigger conversation that doesn't get had enough, which is helping people see the value in what they're already good at, rather than constantly chasing the skills they admire in someone else.

The next time you catch yourself thinking you're not confident, ask yourself a slightly different question first. Are you actually lacking confidence, or are you simply comparing yourself to someone whose strengths happen to be different from yours?

I'd put money on it being the second one more often than not.

If you're looking for a speaker who can bring some honest thinking like this to your team, away day, or conference, I'd love to talk.

Stefan Thomas is a keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and author of Business Networking for Dummies.